Living with CPTSD
The Unavoidable Impact of Trauma
The simple fact of being human means that at some point in your life, you will inevitably face stress or trauma to varying degrees. Any one of us could develop PTSD, which can last for months, years, or a lifetime. Throughout my life, I have experienced traumatic events that have drastically changed the course of my life. Some of these traumas have left me with wounds that I am unable to heal, along with lingering triggers, waiting in the dark to raise their ugly heads at any moment.
Living with Complex PTSD: A Lonely Battle
I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. After this, I found myself feeling very alone and completely misunderstood. How could anyone understand the violence I had endured up to the point of the event that finally broke me? A female working in a men’s maximum-security prison, caught up in the chaos of one prisoner stabbing another with no one else around but other prisoners. I not only felt like I was going crazy with the fears and triggers that were controlling every aspect of my life, but my friends and family had little to no understanding of what had happened to the old confident Nicole and who was this new frightened version.
The Shared Struggles of PTSD
To experience trauma is to be human. Many people live with wounds, but that doesn’t mean they live with PTSD. Those who have been diagnosed with PTSD all have very different experiences that are very personal and unique to them. However, what we have in common is how we have learned to cope with what has happened to us. We all have similar experiences and understandings within our symptoms, nightmares, and avoidance of things, people, and places that trigger us. Along with emotional outbursts, flashbacks, or memories recycling in and out of our past.
Shedding Light on PTSD Through Lived Experience
Through this book, I hope to reach others who can relate to my experiences and who may also feel misunderstood by society. For those with loved ones suffering, I aim to provide a glimpse into the life of another person living with Complex PTSD through my own personal account. And for those studying trauma or simply seeking to better understand it, I hope to shed light on what PTSD is truly like through a lived experience. I want to share my journey of violence and fear with people who may be feeling alone in the world. People who have exhausted all their internal energy managing their inner and external worlds to ensure they will not experience threats or anything that may trigger a threat response in them.
The Daily Struggle of Living with Triggers
Living your life on a daily basis, waiting to be hijacked by a rogue trigger, can be an extremely lonely and exhausting way of living in the world. So many of us are existing with fear and anxiety as our constant companions. We believe we are alone with an insatiable itch that we are forever trying to hold back from scratching because when we do, it may bleed for days. I have come to understand just how difficult it is for others to comprehend what is happening internally for us on a day-to-day basis and how so many of us have learned to be comfortable, living uncomfortably.
Finding Growth and Strength After Trauma
After trauma, we and others often see ourselves as less or smaller in some way, but now I have been able to see life living with Complex PTSD as something I have grown from. I now believe my life experiences have added to who I was before, which makes me so much more, not less, of a person. For those of you who have experienced trauma, my goal in sharing my journey is that you will also see how you have grown from your traumas. My stories are about hope and acceptance of who I am now, by honouring my strengths, grace, and unique way of making sense of my life. I hope I can support and inspire you to explore different ways of embracing what has happened to you throughout your life.
Breaking Misconceptions About PTSD
Due to its unique causes and equally individual unique symptoms and triggers, PTSD can be one of the most isolating, life-changing, and misunderstood mental health conditions one can experience. When people hear the term post-traumatic stress disorder, they often only relate it to return combat soldiers who have experienced life-threatening events in a conflict. For example, the trigger of a car backfiring and the returned soldier dropping to the ground to escape the flashback of shots from a firearm during combat.
PTSD Affects More Than Just Soldiers
But many everyday people are leading ordinary lives who have experienced a terrifying life-threatening event, childhood abuse, neglect, rape, or violence. Events that have changed the course of their lives forever. Just the same as those brave servicemen and women who live with this debilitating mental illness, but without the same level of understanding, support, or resources.
PTSD: The Unseen Battle Between Fear and Escape
It is hard to make sense of our unhealed wounds, but even harder to have a loved one understand why your triggers affect your life and theirs the way they do; and why you cannot get over it “and just act normal.” The fact is, we did act normal in response to a very abnormal event, and it has left us responding to similar threats today the same way we responded to life-threatening events in the past.
The essence of PTSD is the urge to escape, tied to the fear and awareness of not being able to.
Read my book, Uncomfortably Comfortable, which is available on Amazon.