Days that change your life

People often say, "That was life-changing," but few truly understand the weight of those words. It's not just a phrase, it's a reality that transforms every aspect of your being. For me, that day came with trauma, violence, and chaos. Every piece of who I was before shattered into a million fragments, dissolving like dust in the wind. Surviving became my only goal as I avoided living at all costs. My days were filled with fear, flashbacks, nightmares, and disassociating from my own reality. This continued for seven long years until one unremarkable moment that changed everything once again.

In a seemingly ordinary moment, something happened. It wasn't monumental or noteworthy to anyone else, but for me, it was another defining moment that changed the way I viewed myself. One that gave me the strength and courage to start living again instead of just surviving.

Every Wednesday, I eagerly await the sound of little feet running through my front door. It's "Nannies Day," a tradition my daughters have started where we all gather for lunch with the grandchildren. The house is filled with laughter and chatter as great-grandparents, great-aunts and uncles, and cousins join in on the fun. We cherish this day as a rare opportunity for all generations to come together and create precious memories.

My granddaughter tugged on my hand, her big brown eyes sparkling with excitement. "Nanny, Can we read 'The Hungry Caterpillar'?" she asked. I smiled and opened the well-loved book as she snuggled into my side. As we flipped through the colourful pages, her curious mind couldn't help but ask question after question about the caterpillar's transformation into a butterfly. Her innocent questions sparked something in me, causing some self-awareness. For some reason the questions she was asking about the caterpillar, the cocoon and the butterfly made me reflect on my own PTSD journey.

            “Nanny, why does the caterpillar make a cocoon?”

“Well sweetheart, at some point in the caterpillar's life she feels she needs to create a safe space for herself so she can become something else, something more beautiful and unique than she is now as a caterpillar. So she crawls to the nearest leaf and clings to it tightly as she starts to spin a silky cocoon around herself. She is creating a protective shell to shield her from the dangers of the outside world while she undergoes an amazing transformation into a beautiful colourful butterfly.”

            “Nanny, what does the caterpillar do in there all that time?

I thought for a while before I answered    “Inside the safety of her cocoon, the caterpillar is changing and healing herself and getting ready to come back out into the world with beautiful new wings that will carry her into her next life as a beautiful butterfly.”

“Nanny, what does the caterpillar do in there all that time?

“Well, the caterpillar is transforming and rebuilding herself from the inside out. And when she finally emerges as a butterfly, she will have strong new wings to take her on her next journey.”

            “Nanny, is the caterpillar scared of something, is that why she made that safe place for herself?

            “Yes, as a caterpillar, when she crawls along the green leaf, her softness makes her vulnerable and a good snack for a bird looking for its dinner. When she was out in the open she felt scared and always looked around for danger. She would have to listen with her ears and look around with her eyes to scan the trees above for any swooping birds or curious animals that may see her as a tasty snack."

            My granddaughter looked up at me with wide, curious eyes. “Nanny how does the butterfly know when to leave its cocoon?” she asked.  I thought for a moment before responding. “Well, I think she just knows,” I said. “After spending a long time growing and changing inside, she starts to feel cramped and longs for the fun times she used to have with her friends. And now that her wings have formed, she is ready to spread them and fly away, no longer afraid of being eaten.”

            “Nanny, is the caterpillar and the butterfly the same person?

            “In a way she is, but she had to grow and make herself into something new. She is now more beautiful, unique and different to her old self. She can now fly and doesn’t have to crawl anymore. She is not as scared as she was as a caterpillar because she knows her strengths as a butterfly and can fly with her new wings.

My granddaughter's questions poured out, I saw her young mind absorbing the lessons of growth and change. As I explained the transformation of the caterpillar into a butterfly. I found myself relating to the life-changing journey from the caterpillar, to the cocoon and the butterfly.  We reached the end of the book, and she jumped off my lap, eager to join the other children in their games.

As I sat there with my family all around me looking at the drawing of the cocoon and the butterfly breaking free. Something in me made me realise that I had been living in the cocoon for seven long years. I had made my life very small, while living with Complex PTSD. I began to reflect on the way I was living my life.  Then it dawned on me, just like the caterpillar, I was the one who built this life, and I am teaching others how to treat me. I didn’t feel like I deserved to hold the space I was in. I felt lesser of a person, and weak for having a mental illness and made myself small. I had spent the first half of my life as the caterpillar, and the last 7years of my life in my shell and now it was time to start nibbling away at my cocoon to break free.