Whats a PTSD flashback like?
Every day is a balancing act between the present and the past. I try my best to stay grounded in the present, but the past is always lurking just around the next corner, waiting to pull me back into its grasp. It's like walking on a tightrope with one foot in reality and the other in a dark haunting memory. I am constantly stuck between two worlds. One is the present, filled with daily routines and responsibilities. The other is the past, a place where my traumas reside. One foot in each world, experiencing both at the same time.
When a flashback hits, it feels as if I stepped into a time warp. I can hear and smell everything around me just as intensely as when the original events occurred. Sometimes, I am fully immersed in the scene, feeling all the emotions and sensations once again. Other times, it's like I am watching myself from a distance, detached from my body as if it were happening to someone else. Either way, it's a jarring and overwhelming experience that I never know when or where it will happen.
My flashbacks interrupt my daily life like an unwelcome enemy; all my senses kick in at once, taking me out of the present moment, pulling me back in time and slamming me straight back into the past. They wrap their arms all the way around me and suffocate me with horrendous, pungent sights, smells and emotions.
I often describe my Complex PTSD as an emotional rollercoaster, but that's an understatement. It's a mind-altering, body-consuming tornado of fear, anxiety, and depression. When the flashbacks hit, it takes every ounce of strength to pull myself back into reality. Sometimes I am fully immersed in the memories, like watching a movie in my head. Other times, it's just bits and pieces, like the green prison jumper on the side of the path, the stench of sweat, or the charged energy in the air. But no matter how much I try to shake it off, the scene won't release its grip on me. If I had to describe it in very minimalist terms, it's like having an incessant song popping in and out of your head that you can't turn off or escape from. The same song plays on a loop, invading your thoughts and emotions until you’re completely consumed by it.
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