PTSD and dissociating
When I experience a flashback and dissociate, I sometimes completely zone out and other times I am stuck between the two worlds. For me, dissociating often happens when I feel trapped, it’s like the last emergency response when flight and fight is not possible. By leaving the body I am saving myself from the pain of the injury, both mentally and physically.
For example, the last time it happened, I heard men arguing along with the loud slam of a door echoing through the walls, triggering a flashback. Suddenly, I was no longer present in that room; my body felt numb and distant. It was as if I had been transported to another time and place. My mind shut off all sensory inputs from the present, protecting me from the pain and fear of reliving the past trauma.
But other times, the dissociation isn't complete. I would still be aware of my surroundings, feeling like I was living in two worlds at once. One foot in the past, one foot in the present. And if someone or something from the present tried to bring me back, it only caused agitation and panic. It's like sitting in a safe bubble and someone is trying to break through the protective barrier.
In those moments, everything becomes muffled and distant, as if I am underwater. But then suddenly, a sound or touch will pull me back into reality, and it will feel overwhelming and jarring. The safety of zoning out is shattered, and I am left feeling vulnerable and exposed once again.
Complex PTSD is an emotion-based condition. Our emotions now sit on the furthest end of the spectrum. We feel intense fear, extreme anxiety, and gut-wrenching depression. Living with PTSD takes a heavy toll on my mental health, leaving me with a rollercoaster of emotions. At times if feels like I am living on the edge of a cliff with high winds.
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